Journey.

I find myself hating the internet more as each day passes. Why? Because it wastes my time. :)

I feel like I am slowly changing. I don't know how else to describe it, or what other words to give it. But I am definitely a different person right now than who I was a minute ago, a month ago. I find that this change is different than in the past. But then again, I can explain no further, because I don't have the words.

I have found that lately I have been lacking in words. Not having the courage to say what I need too, for fear of pissing people of, or because I don't want to be seen in a negative light. I think i worry too much about what other people think of me. I don't want to be seen badly by anyone, so i try way too hard to make everyone else around me happy, no matter how detrimental it is to my own self-worth. Even though I have been trying to make it better, I don't have the guts to simply let things go and say what I mean. I am a chicken. And if you wanted to walk all over me, you could probably get away with it if you tried.

Anyways, I have been focusing on my writing since being back at school. I have this book of writing prompts, and i devote 20 minutes a day to developing an idea and writing, not matter how crappy the writing and the plot is. Only by practice can I finally have my dreams realized.

I bet I will be one of those people who can write every day but whose writing will never leave my computer. Letting it go and letting other people see it puts you in such an awkward position. Writing is so very personal, ecspecially when you put a lot of yourself into it and develop yourself into the plot, the characters, the situation. You kind of take them on, transform into them and feel their pain, their sorrow, their hurt. When someone attacks them, they attack you. When someone criticizes the way you write your characters thoughts, they are criticizing you. That's something people don't understand. Writing is personal. More personal than you think. It tests you and pushes you and makes you cry, but when you finally print off a story and the ink is still wet and the paper warm from going through the printer, there's a sense of accomplishment like nothing else you can imagine.

*sigh* Anyways, a portion from the end of the novel. This is significant, simply because the title of the novel is "Window to Darkness." You'll get it if you actually read the excerpt:

“I can’t go any farther.” There was the dampness of the earth under my fingertips as I pushed against the barrier. “We’re trapped.”

“We must have gone down a side tunnel…” His voice echoed in my ears as I heard him pushing against the earthen walls behind us. I continued to feel, pushing against the damp earth, lifting higher until I felt it. The sudden cool smooth feeling of something completely different, slightly above the top of my head.

“Wait. There’s something here.” His footsteps echoed in the darkness, resonating off the tunnel walls. My fingertips outlined the smooth surface, reaching for the edges, buried in the dirt walls. I could feel the difference in texture and knew what it was. Standing on my tip-toes, I pressed my forehead to the pane, feeling the cold seep into my skin. Even as I peered, there was nothing on the other side that I could distinguish. Only the cold pure black we had come to know in the last days and weeks greeted my tired and weakened eyes. Sighing, I rested down again and closed my eyes, listening to him walk up behind me.

“What is it?” His body was behind mine, pushing into my back, his arms coming up. Reaching for his hand, I pulled it up to the smooth surface, outlining it, helping him feel the smooth coolness of the glass through the healing skin of his hands.

“It’s a window.”

“What’s on the other side?”

“Nothing. It’s the window to darkness.”

I like it. I don't care if you don't. (but that statement contradicts everything above, doesn't it? I like this story, as a whole, even though no one has read it. I think it might stay that way a little longer....or at least until its finished....

Anyways, that's enough of an update for now...

-allie-